


Mind the Condom Expiration Date: If Crushes Could Expire Outtakes

by slotumn



Series: New Style Romance [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkward First Times, Comedy, Condoms, F/M, First Time, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Light-Hearted, Loss of Virginity, Premature Ejaculation, Romantic Comedy, Sexual Humor, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:22:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24187330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slotumn/pseuds/slotumn
Summary: "I want to stay over at your place tonight," Lysithea whispered, clutching his coat sleeve.Khalid ibn Ejder (also known as Claude von Riegan) felt his twenty-two year old virgin mind revv up into overdrive upon hearing that.A.K.A. Deleted scenes and offscreen incidents from If Crushes Could Expire, featuring a lot of hijinks and shenanigans from LysiClaude and their fellow Golden Deer in the modern age.
Relationships: Lysithea von Ordelia/Claude von Riegan, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Series: New Style Romance [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1639222
Kudos: 6





	Mind the Condom Expiration Date: If Crushes Could Expire Outtakes

"I want to stay over at your place tonight," Lysithea whispered, clutching his coat sleeve.

Khalid ibn Ejder (also known as Claude von Riegan) felt his twenty-two year old virgin mind revv up into overdrive upon hearing that.

Quite a few people attempted to sleep with him before, usually during one of those drunk party make-out sessions, but so far, he had a perfect record of blue-balling every single drunk college student who grinded against his thigh and asked for an internal organ rearrangement via his dick. He probably would have regretted it if he did lose his virginity like that instead of with someone he really trusted, so perhaps the debilitating fear of interpersonal intimacy, born from relentless bullying by his own siblings, had its benefits, after all.

But back to the main subject-- even though he had major trust issues, he was still a healthy young adult with a sex drive. It would be a fucking lie if he pretended that he did not jerk off to fantasies of railing Lysithea on a semi-regular basis (or just jerked off without any thoughts because he was lonely and had nothing else to do, but that was beside the point), and if real life was moving somewhat in the general direction of those fantasies, who was he to refuse?

So that was how they ended up making out all the way to the bed, throwing coats and gloves and scarves thrown across the floor and not giving a shit.

"Do you have condoms?"

"Yeah," he muttered into her lips, "I should."

Tearing himself away from the aggressive grinding and groping was a monumentally difficult task, but he mustered up the willpower, stumbling to lean over and reach into the nightstand drawer with only one sleeve of his shirt off and rummaging around until his fingers felt small foil packets-- something he got at a university event for free during spring. He never thought it would be of any use to him, personally, but here he was! About to have sex in real life! With his girlfriend! And it--

"Wait, Claude, check the date on the packet," she said, turning on the lamp.

"Hm? Alright," he said, holding it up to the lamplight and squinting at the numbers. "Use before..."

The air in the room suddenly seemed to cool down when he read that it expired several months ago.

"Guess there's a reason these got handed out for free," he sighed, putting his arm back into the sleeve and wriggling his legs off the side of the bed. "I'll go buy some from the convenience store."

"You should probably, um, change before you do that..."

He followed her gaze down to the wet stain on the front of his boxers. 

"...Gods dammit," he cursed, face burning upon the realization that he didn't even notice his own premature ejaculation.

Lysithea wildly waved her arms in front of herself.

"I-it's fine, I'm not judging, if anything I'm, ah," she glanced back up at him with a very red visage, "flattered, I suppose...? It would be nice if you could...you know...keep that up..."

Suppressing the boner that threatened to return upon registering the implications of those words, he muttered a response about how he definitely would, and quickly ripped the boxers off.

"Claude!!!" she yelped, covering her eyes.

"What? I'm changing, like you suggested."

"I know! But you can't just..."

He glanced back and forth between his dick and the person it would go inside of in the near future.

"Uh, if we're going to be having sex, you miiight want to get used to seeing this. And I'm aware porn kinda gives skewed expectations with respect to dick sizes," he coughed, "but I'm at least average, statistically speaking--"

"I didn't think you were small or anything," she squeaked, burying her face into a pillow, "so please go buy the damn condoms already!"

"Yes, ma'am~"

\---

Some time later, he returned to the apartment with multiple boxes of condoms (and ice cream to eat afterwards).

The cashier at the counter was obviously too tired to judge the customers for their purchases, as all retail workers tended to be, but even then, they looked slightly surprised by the sheer amount. He managed to keep a poker face and play it cool like a pro sex-haver, even though he was actually pretty embarassed and internally cursed that all the self-checkout registers had to be out of order on that particular night.

But like all embarassing events, it passed, and he was, hopefully, going to have sex now.

"What did you get that many for?" Lysithea asked, staring at the boxes.

"To see which one is capable of handling my massive magnum steel dong, obviously," he replied, and upon seeing her unimpressed stare, laughed and added, "It's actually so we can see what we like best, since everyone on the internet says "experiment and find out with your partner" when inexperienced virgins like us ask what the best brand and type is."

She counted the boxes while taking them out, eyes widening as the number passed ten. 

"I-I didn't even know there were these many different brands..."

"You learn something new every day!" he grinned, opening one and taking out a packet to teasingly wave in front of her. "So, ready to run clinical trials and experiment with me all night?"

She sighed and snatched the condom from his hands before kissing him. 

"Don't throw around scientific terms you don't understand in bed," she muttered, tugging his shirt off. "It's not very sexy."

"Alright, then I'll just say I'm going to make sure you can't walk straight tomorrow."

"Claude!!!"

They went for a total of two rounds before passing out, because as it turned out, sex was a lot of work. 

His no-longer virgin self certainly wasn't complaining, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [LysiClaude week twitter](https://twitter.com/LysiClaudeWeek?s=20)  
>   
> [My twitter](https://twitter.com/slotumn?s=09)  
>   
> Next chapter will probably be the story behind what exactly happened when Lorenz sent Claude frantic late night texts after staying in Leonie's place. God the Golden Deer are even more of chaotic gremlins in a modern AU it's great


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